I seem to have found myself with a very strong case of denial. Denial that I am pregnant, and not just fat. Denial that a baby will hopefully be joining our family in 10 more weeks. No baby items ordered, no nesting to speak of, no names picked out. I am finding it really hard this time to fathom that this pregnancy is real. Yes, lots of kicks are telling me it is. I want this baby so badly, I just don’t know if I will ever get to that place of thinking that the future as I see it will actually happen.
It is very hard for me to say what I think will happen next year, or even next week. I never take for granted that we will all still be here – and I know that must seem so morbid. I just don’t take it for granted that I will see all my kids graduate from highschool – it is something I hope and pray for…but I never feel like we are guaranteed even one more moment past this one.
I think I first learned that when I was in the fire way back when. Other events have solidified that for me. Vivian and Annemarie’s deaths, of course. And my cousin Stephen last year. You think everything is going to be one way, and then it isn’t. So, why plan????
Of course, I still plan. But in the back of my head, there is always that nagging “what if…” and then a plan B, plan C, and so on.
So, next week Paprika starts kindergarten. Well, actually it’s developmental kindergarten (DK), which is basically a Pre-K through the public school. The DK covers the same material as kindergarten and the kids have the option of 1st grade the next year…which actually just adds to my confusion and denial about the whole thing. I am dreading it, nervous about it, and totally unprepared for it!
I should have ordered her a cute backpack a month ago, but did I? No! She wanted this one certain one from LL Bean, and I waited too long and now it’s out of stock. I even called the store in Freeport, Maine to see if they have one there (Grandma Pat is going next month to Maine)…but they don’t even have one in the store! And yes, no luck on Ebay either.
So, instead of focusing on the gazillion things I have going on, need to do, and desperately must take care of…what do I focus on? Her school backpack. As if finding that perfect backpack will somehow give us an insurance policy that DK is going to go well for her. Obviously, having a great backpack will equal a great kindergarten (or is it really kindergarten because it’s DK???) experience.
All this anxiety is giving me nightmares. Last night, I had a dream that someone in Paprika’s class told her there wasn’t a Santa Claus. Can you imagine?! Of course, this made me even more convinced that this whole kindergarten business is a bad idea.
In the back of my mind, I am thinking…if kindergarten doesn’t work out for her (for whatever reason), we have lots of options. Pre-K at a private school. A home tutor. Homeschooling. I have tossed every idea you can think of back and forth just so I don’t have to process that on Wednesday I will have a kindergartener.
As I said, the denial is very thick! Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a to-do list a million miles long that is calling my name…and a backpack to find…and a little girl to squeeze and love and remind her that yes, there really IS a Santa Claus…no matter what anyone else says! 😉