I think this is the first year we haven’t started wrapping presents the night before Christmas at one in the morning. This year we’ve already decorated, wrapped presents, hung the stockings…now we’re just waiting for the big day.
I find myself feeling much more joyful this Christmas than last. Last year I didn’t even want to celebrate Christmas at all. I just wanted it to go away. Paprika was really too young to “get it” and all I could think about was how our twin girls were supposed to be celebrating their first Christmas with us. Honestly, I don’t even remember much of last Christmas. I put on a happy face and just went through the motions.
This Christmas I feel encouraged, hopeful, and better…not entirely better…but more filled with the Christmas spirit. In truth, after losing Vivian and Annemarie I don’t know if I will ever not be at least a little sad at Christmas. I wonder what they would be doing this year, and how big they’d be. I don’t think it’s something you can ever really get over. But at the same time, I can’t change them not being here, and this is our reality. So, I have to make the best of it and be happy with our lives now and not what our lives would have been had TTTS not taken the lives of Vivian and Annemarie.
It’s a delicate balance and most days I just try to focus on the positive and what we do have. Some days it is harder than others, of course. This Christmas, I still miss Vivian and Annemarie. I still wonder what would have been. But I am glad that I have things to celebrate, and that this year I can be more festive. That gives me hope that each year will get a little easier without them here. I hope that as the years go on, I can reach out to others who are hurting, and each year I can better focus on the true reason we celebrate Christmas.