I’ve been trying to figure out how to write this without sounding alarming, or weepy, or dramatic. The past few months – specifically the past few weeks – have been very hard. It’s been the best of times and the worst of times.
A few months ago, I found out that I was unexpectedly pregnant. It was amazing, and overwhelming. Evan and I decided not to tell anyone because – I don’t know – for once, we wanted to keep things to ourselves! Ha! I had a rough first trimester, but things seemed to be getting better. Then, one day they weren’t.
I went to the doctor and found out that the baby’s heart had stopped beating. It was a rough appointment. Ginger (7) was with me, because she wants to be an OB – so of course, she wanted to be right there during all my doctor appointments. We told Paprika and Ginger about the baby – and they were both so upset. Paprika (10) didn’t really understand – but Ginger (7) did and cried for days.
I wanted to wait a bit just to see if there might be some change in the next week (sometimes ultrasounds miss things – and I was also in very deep denial). So, we waited a week and scheduled another doctor’s appointment for the following week. The doctor wanted me to come back to have a procedure (D&C) – so I was gearing myself up for that.
During that week of waiting, I was on a rollercoaster of emotions – sometimes hopeful, in denial, bargaining, Googling way too much, crying…and everything else you can imagine.
I also had moments of peace. I had some really interesting “signs” from “the other side” – I mean – maybe they were coincidences, but they really felt like signs to me.
One thing that Vivian and Annemarie (our twin daughters in heaven) do sometimes is send me signs. One of our “signs” is double-yolk eggs. It sounds weird, but I really believe it. I crack more double yolk eggs than anybody I know – and it doesn’t matter the brand or if they’re organic, or extra-large or regular, or white or brown.
Anyway – I asked them for a sign and do you know what happened? I cracked SEVEN double yolk eggs right in a row (with no singles in between). I didn’t take a picture of the first one because I didn’t think it was a “thing” and my phone wasn’t handy to take the picture. I did get a picture of the next SIX eggs right in a row. Here is a little collage photo of them:
I mean – can you imagine? I knew the baby probably wasn’t going to make it at that point – but I felt like it was a sign from the twins telling me things were going to be okay. I actually imagined the baby (a boy) with his big sisters in heaven, and them comforting him. In a way, it made me feel much more peaceful.
I went back to the doctor at the end of that week (March 2nd) – and the ultrasound confirmed that things were not any better than the week before. At that point, the doctor really wanted me to have the procedure immediately, right then.
Things were not ideal. First, I was at the appointment by myself because Evan was with the girls (he took them to a nearby mall, since the OB’s office is an hour from our house). He was going to pick me up after the appointment – but I was going to have to have anesthesia, and the office made me feel really weird. There were so many happy pregnant ladies with me in the waiting room (which was hard enough) – and then I knew I was going to have to “hold it together” for the appointment and the aftermath.
I was waiting in the doctor’s private office – and I found myself doing what I had done the week before: try to make everyone else feel like I was okay with what was happening. And I wasn’t okay! Not at all. But I didn’t feel like I was able to freak out and be sad because I just didn’t have the support to do that (if that makes sense). I felt like I needed to be composed and appropriate and not make other people (nurses, staff, techs, patients, doctors, etc.) feel uncomfortable.
So – anyway – I started having a little panic attack, and I left the doctor’s office. I was really nice and composed about it – but I just said: “I’m sorry, I can’t have the procedure today.” And I left AMA (Against Medical Advice). I basically got up and walked out the door, went outside, and sat down on the curb until Evan picked me up.
That was March 2nd, and at that point, I was still taking Prometrium (progesterone) to sustain the pregnancy. So, I stopped taking that thinking I would miscarry at home naturally. I’ve only had one at-home miscarriage – and that was an early first trimester loss. The twins were a hospital delivery over the course of four days – so that was obviously much different.
Needless to say, I was NOT prepared for what would happen next – um…it was very traumatic and horrible. If I ever have a daughter in this situation, I will counsel her to get a D&C/D&E no question. Hindsight.
I ended up delivering the (very small) baby by myself on Saturday March 4th around 5am. Evan was asleep – and I was all alone. It was so unexplainably hard, emotionally and physically. I kept the baby in a small box, and we planted a peach tree in our backyard and had a burial on Sunday (March 5th). The girls had their big piano recital on Sunday afternoon – and life goes on.
I was in a lot of pain and ultimately lost A LOT of blood. I was bleeding for about three weeks total non-stop (TMI) – and I’m honestly surprised that I lived through that. Sometimes my own stubborness really doesn’t serve me too well.
Here are Paprika (10), Ginger (7), and Violet (5) at their piano recital on Sunday – you can tell I was in no position to get them dressed, which is why they 100% look like their daddy dressed them. 🙂 All love.
So, now I’m just trying to figure out how to navigate life after this loss and experience. I don’t think more children are on the horizon for us – this one seemed like an unexpected gift. I’ve been slowing getting my health back – it’s been 10 days now, and I’m starting to feel a little better physically. I’m supposed to go back to the doctor – I was supposed to go back last week, actually – but I just don’t want to go! I really don’t want to go. I already have so much PTSD from the twins – and so seeing a perfect little baby with no heartbeat on the screen was just crushing.
I have so many conflicting feelings – sometimes, I glimpse peace and then other times I’m an emotional wreck! Urgh. I’ve been keeping super busy with the girls – and enjoying them even more than usual. I’ve been working hard on my books (I have two books coming out today, 3/14, under my romance pen name).
And, I’ve been doing my best to look on the bright side of life. I have a lot to be thankful for – I know that…
Here are some happy pictures – just because this is a sad post, and I don’t want to go out like that. 🙂
Thanks for sticking with me, and I’ll be back soon with some happier posts. 🙂