Hello friends! I am writing a bit later tonight – usually I write my blog post while the big girls are at piano lessons on Monday nights, and Evan takes the younger two kids for an hour. BUT – this week was a special night on The Bachelor. It was the anticipated episode where Bachelor Colton “jumps the fence”, and I’d been waiting to see it all season.
Evan edited this episode of The Bachelor, and he worked on perfecting it for six weeks to make it extra awesome…so he wanted to see it with me. We just finished watching the episode together, and it didn’t disappoint. The funny thing was that as we were watching it, our TV antenna stopped working (we have rabbit ears instead of cable) – so the last, most dramatic part totally went to a blank screen! It couldn’t have been worse timing. Haha.
I’ll watch it on Hulu tomorrow – but man, even what I watched – I felt emotionally spent! It was intense!
So – tonight’s blog post is going to be a little brief, since I spent my writing time watching the show. I will write more tomorrow during Huck’s naptime, and hopefully have another post up on Wednesday. 🙂
Anyhoo – this week was great in so many ways, but it was also a little hard, if I’m being honest. Two years ago today (March 4th), I miscarried the baby before Huck.
I knew this anniversary day was coming up, but I didn’t think it would be so hard. I’ve always felt that nothing really compares to the loss of Vivian and Annemarie (our identical twins). Because I miscarried this baby during the first trimester, I felt like it should have been easier emotionally. But it was still really hard!
On Saturday, Evan had his first day off work in a few weeks – and I think I’d just been holding everything inside until then. When he’s working so much, I can’t have a down moment or let my guard down…I am literally “on” 24/7 without a moment’s break or a chance to be alone really.
So – on Saturday, it rained a lot, and we were stuck inside. I was in a sad mood most of the day…until I picked up Cheesecake Factory for dessert on Saturday night. Even though I’ve done a great job cleaning up my diet, and I feel better overall than I ever have in my life (probably) – I totally went off track with my food over the weekend. I had carrot cake from Cheesecake Factory on Saturday night, and then a lot of sugar on Sunday. I just didn’t want to feel bad, and sugar has always been a way of coping for me. It’s just how I am – and there are worse things, you know?
Anyway, I felt the feelings and ate them too (haha) – and today (Monday), I was back on track mostly. I ended up having a good weekend, especially Sunday, and it was wonderful having Evan home. We did some fun things, and then some “life” things – like fill in holes in the backyard with dirt.
We had a bunch of new holes in the backyard, and at first we thought Daisy dug the holes, but then we realized that Daisy would NEVER do such a thing. She’s the world’s most perfect dog. It must be squirrels! Ha!
Daisy is with us all the time, so there’s really never a moment when she could dig. If we leave the house, she always stays inside on her couch. Yes – she thinks the new couch is her dog bed. 🙂 I don’t know if Daisy dug the holes or not – but I’m giving her the benefit of the doubt, and it doesn’t matter because they are gone now anyway.
So today, on this anniversary of the loss – I just stayed busy and focused on the joy and good things in my life today. I am happier than I’ve ever been – it’s my goal to be happier every year. Of course, life gets in the way of this goal some times – and goodness knows, there have been bad days (and years!) – but overall, I want to trend towards contentment and joy.
Joy is something you can only feel in the present moment, so I try hard to stay present and focus on what is good now…not what could have been or might be. It’s very hard to reconcile all the what-ifs, especially with the loss of babies. I am absolutely head over heels in love with my children, and couldn’t love any one of them more than I do. That makes the losses hard in a way – because I know those kids in heaven were amazing, too. But having the kids I have here also gives me comfort.
Goodness knows, I do adore the children and they are my life. I have never felt anything more deeply than the love I feel for them, each and every moment. I feel the same way about Evan, and it’s such a gift. Really.
I don’t take it for granted – I enjoy the kids so much, and every day thank God for them. They know it, too – because I always tell them how much they mean to me and how GOOD they are.
We have something very special – so I can’t be mad at the fact that I have four babies in Heaven. It’s hard – but I also know that I have angels watching over us, and I know they are pleased with us all. I feel connected to them – although not in body now, but definitely in spirit.
That’s just a glimpse of how I feel about it. I know everyone feels differently about their losses and hard trials in life. We all process things in different ways, and I’m not here to judge anyone else’s journey. I am just doing my best with what I’ve got – and trying to make the most of my precious time and gifts. <3
Here are a few photos from today (the anniversary day) – just little things we did. Evan was at work on American Idol, so I was home with the kids all day. We mostly stayed home, but we also did other things (like go to piano lessons, etc.)
Here are some of the fun moments from today that I want to remember:
Ellie (4) wanted to play “fetch” in the backyard – it’s her favorite game, and she can run for an hour. She never gets tired!
I just sat there with Huck in my lap (while Violet read us a fairytale) – and threw the ball for Ellie. She loved it!
Daisy ended up playing fetch, too. She outran Ellie every time – which Ellie thought was hilarious:
Violet reading a fairytale book from The Little Library:
Huck loves being in the backyard, and wants to explore every inch on his hands and knees. This is Violet’s old outfit from when she was a baby. It fits him perfectly!
We made two loaves of bread – the lighter one is a Dutch Oven Artisan, and the darker one is Cranberry Pecan Raisin. 🙂
I am selling this chair on Craiglist – it’s Paprika’s first high chair (sniff, sniff) – and we never use it! I was trying to take a picture of it for the seller’s listing, but Ellie had other ideas. 🙂
I didn’t get pictures of Ginger and Paprika today – although they were here, too, of course!
Ginger spent the day reading Land of Stories (she’s almost finished with the series), playing piano, doing school work, and playing outside. She felt pretty lethargic (we’re still waiting on her latest lab results!) – so she took a much needed nap before piano lesson.
This picture was taken yesterday – Violet and Ginger started an herb garden, and named all their seedlings:
Paprika did all of her school work, and then rode her bike over to her friend’s house – who is also named Paprika! They always have such a fun time together.
Huck’s little teeth have popped through. I love his smile – it gets me every time:
Thanks for listening to me whinge on about the miscarriage anniversary. I basically fell off the deep end when it happened, and now two years later – I feel stronger and better than I have in a very long time. Life is hard, but it’s also good. You have to have the bitter to appreciate the sweet, and for a long time I didn’t think that was true. But now I understand what that means. I really do.
Evan reading a story to Violet, Ellie, and Huck:
Life is calling, and I must go! I will be back again on Wednesday with a fun, more upbeat post…I promise!
See you on Wednesday! 🙂